Taming the Monkey

So. We come back to the same place. I feel like a fraud. A poser. A larper, as the people call it now. I feel I have to prove myself, to show that I am worthy of the title I have given myself. But the truth is, I am not sure if I am. I am not sure if I can be.

The rise of agents and AI has made me question my own abilities. I see the benefit it provides, that allure of making things easier. And then all of a sudden, I had code I couldn't be accountable for. That I didn't understand. That I didn't know how to defend.

It hurt. Enough to give me seizures. Enough to make me question if I was sane or if I was pretending to be.

Somebody sent me a message. Not a simple one by any means.

And what a beautiful message it was.

It broke me. Removed the mask that was strapped to my face. I was tired of keeping an appearance. I wanted to be real. I wanted to be honest. I wanted to be me.

I want to meet people who are enthusiastic about things I'm interested in. I wanna be with people who sustain and help each other learn and grow.

I cannot be judged by my usage of a tool. I cannot be judged because I used a tool. and most of all, I cannot judge myself with the yardstick of another.

Become unvibecodable. Unjudgeable, and in turn, I believe, inimitable and unyielding.

There is however a part of me that realised I was always unvibecodable. I just needed to be seen. With this, another problem has come to light. The monkey.

There's a relatively popular theory explaining procrastination by Tim Urban about a monkey in your head immediately acting for self gratification, until the panic monster comes in and forces you to act.

Well, there's a monkey in my head. Along with the procrastination, the monkey is also a collector. It looks at a shiny thing and goes "Oooh, shiny!" and grabs it. And then it loses its sheen and the monkey moves on to the next shiny thing.

My computer is a graveyard of shiny things. Projects that I started with some strong intentions, but then the monkey came along. And the thing that took so long to understand is that the monkey isn't a bad thing. It was simply another facet of the person called Axiss. The monkey leads me to things that I've never seen before. And for that, I thank it.

But it's high time I collar the monkey, instead of the monkey riding on my head. I need to lock the fuck in and focus on one thing. And I believe that I have found said thing. A project that I truly will make my life's work and bring balance, along with a pot that's tossable, a rat, and bad mispelling of Gryphon. I will not let the monkey prevail, not this time.

Because once I collar that monkey, I will dig a hole. I will go down that hole, and I will not come out until I have found the treasure at the bottom. And when I do, I will share it with the world.

a thank you to the people who read this. if you need support, or someone to talk to, reach out. please. a thank you to datavorous for the message that gave me my clarity. and a thank you to the monkey for not letting me rest until the work is done.

For who else will, if not you?

With love, an open letter, Axiss

written on the 15th of October, 2026, on VSCode, and thought by a brain that is still learning to be human.